1 + 1 = Six?

So I haven’t been on lately. Oh, you’ve noticed that too. Sorry about that. Things have been a bit busy, I’ve been hormonal, and as I’ve said before, every few months I get so damn hormonal I don’t even want to deal with myself, which was exactly the case this month. Just like always, the bad voices are chased away by blue skies and rainbows and normal life ensues bringing hilarity and snarky comments to all. Hurray!

However, this month has been extra busy because we have a new arrival coming soon. No! I. Am. Not. Pregnant. Didn’t we already have this conversation? Put those ugly little thoughts right out of your minds. Sean and I are adopting a puppy. A 3-month yellow lab puppy to be exact. Why are we adopting a puppy? For years and years and years we’ve wanted a puppy, except we lived in crappy apartments and the supers wouldn’t let us have one. Bastards. Besides, have you ever been to the cape? Everyone has a dog. They’re in restaurants, on the beaches, at the jewelry store, and at the chiropractor. You see them in tote bags in the mall, sailing around on boats, and hanging out on 6A watching parades.

People treat you differently when you have a dog. Before, people would do whatever they could to avert eye contact. They assume that you’re teeming with a communicable disease that can be passed on by smiling or saying “hello.” Now that you have a dog not only do they know you’re an ok person, but they think nothing of walking up to you and telling you their whole life’s history complete with their financial background; because dog owners are just that trustworthy.

Adopting a pet has gotten a lot more complicated than when I was a child. I remember when you used to go to a pound, point your finger, and say “That one” and then you were a dog owner. These days it’s a full-blown background check involving your current vet and three prior vets, two non-related references, a detailed past-pet history, a 250 word essay on why you’d be a good dog owner, a PowerPoint presentation on how being a dog owner would stop global warming, and a DNA sample. There are lawyers and contracts involved and it’s a hell of a lot more expensive.

Part of me (the part that has to go through it) resents having to do all of this paperwork. I have been out of college for 5 years and I thought I was done with the essays and papers. However, when I was in college I majored in Literature and I’d like to take a moment to address those who said that literature was a dead end degree. Clearly, it was those four years of training that gave me a leg up in adopting this puppy; take THAT mom.

The other part of me is glad that there are organizations that can keep horrible people from getting animals. I suspect that people who abuse animals are the same folks that need everything spelled out for them by warning labels, like the one on Preparation H tubes that indicate that the product “is not intended to be ingested orally.”

So after spending 3 hours filling the second application out on the couch, a couple of emails, a phone call, and a home inspection later… we’re getting a puppy. On Friday. Man, the cats are gonna be pissed.