9. I Yam Who I Yam

Many years ago, a guy I dated pointed out that I started out our relationship with listing off everything that was bad about me. He then concluded with a statement of why he thought I did this but, I’ll be honest, I’m kind of a crappy listener so I can’t remember what he actually said. He was right though, I do have a laundry list I usually read off to people when I meet them. The only reason why I think I do it is so that when they realize that, yes, in fact I really am not listening to them they might remember that I had mentioned that as soon as I sat down with my coffee and muffin and know not to take it personally. Or that maybe it’s more of a quirky trait instead of a flat out annoying habit because I know that I do it and have already repented for it.

So now that the entire internet knows that I won’t actually listen to their very interesting and important and probably funny stories, lets find out what else I find annoying about me:

1. Not only do I NOT listen to people, but also I don’t read their emails either. (Girlie has first hand experience with this). But each category of email is different. Regarding work I’ll read, oh lets say about 50 words and then react and if it’s a personal email I’ll read the whole thing but I’ll miss the important details like I know WHEN we’ll meet for dinner but will have forgotten to read WHERE.
2. In my old age, it seems as though I am actively seeking out things to be worried or stressed over. For instance, this weekend. Sean and I were away in New Hampshire and Hooper was in a very lovely kennel. Regular (and observant) readers will be keen to remember that Hooper has mild separation anxiety. Now, I might not have a motherly instinct toward humans but that lack of instinct is overly compensated by my need to make sure that anything with fur is going to be OK without my presence. So I spent many hours talking to our friends, the kennel owner, and my dog’s trainer about whether or not he’s stressed, why he should NOT be put in a crate, and dear god woman if you tell me to crate my dog one more time I swear I’m driving all the way back to The Cape to kick you in the ass with my beautiful new 3 inch heels.
3. I can be a very sloppy drunk if pushed hard enough. I try not to do this at all, let alone around those who actually sign or can influence those who actually sign our checks. Somehow, I haven’t truly learned this and despite the Team Building Incident of ’05 and we can now add the New Hampshire Wedding Incident of ’07 where I’m sure I said a myriad of regrettable things to one of Sean’s bosses. In my defense, it was HIS BOSS who bought me 702 shots of Patron. I think I would have been fine except the bride’s crazy aunt decided to buy another round for the table and instead of delicious silver tequila I got some cheap ass Cuervo Gold that I believe upset my delicate balance. It’s a good thing I told the boss’s wife beforehand that I DIDN’T WANT to drink because I would end up being sloppy and would say very embarrassing things to Sean’s boss like although I wouldn’t sleep with the boss I would sleep with his very pregnant wife. What can I say? I’m a classy date.
4. I don’t get hints unless they about my birthday presents. So, if you wanted to give me a hint that I have bad breath, don’t give me a small bottle of Scope with my birthday present and tell me that it’s a gag gift and don’t write in my Senior Yearbook that it’s important to brush after every meal. Why? Because I’m fucking dense. Unless you’re a very cute boy I have a crush on. If that’s the case then you have a fighting chance of getting your point across when my Christmas present from you ends up being a three-pack of spearmint tic-tacs.
5. And finally, it actually would make me very happy if I would stop telling everyone I meet all of my annoying habits and traits. I mean, seriously, they will find out on their own and will decide then whether or not they love me.
6. Oh, and I’m a really terrible speller…