Of Ponies and Posting

Ever since I learned how to talk, I’ve been bugging my family to get me a pony for my birthday. “Oh, ha ha ha ha! No.” they used to say. I mean, why would I need a horse when I lived on a farm? ON A FARM. With barns and hay and many acres meant for meandering horses. And so sadly, I remained horseless.

Many years later, when we moved to the Cape I put owning horses into my five-year plan. Coincidentally I do believe that “swimming in money” can also be found on same that five-year plan. Sean is wonderful and awesome in many ways and doesn’t mind me having horses on my five-year plan. He encourages it even. And because I should probably know what I’m doing before I get an actual live horse, he got me horseback riding lessons for my birthday. And one of these…

Which makes anyone look sexy, no? And before you even ask, yes, chaps will be coming later. Because I’m dead sexy like that.

Funny thing about riding horses is that apparently, you need leg muscles. Not that I don’t have leg muscles, I do, but they’re not in the right place which effectively makes me feel like in place of actual legs what I have are very convincing looking leg-shaped jell-o molds.

You know what else? Horseback riding is hard. Did you know that there is very little “riding” in horseback riding and a lot more “standing up in stirrups so you don’t bounce around like an idiot?” And you really don’t think that should be hard because, hell, you stand all the time, right? Oh contraire, the hard part comes when your horse starts to run and then you STILL have to stay standing but because you’re only working with jell-o molds for legs you just end up bouncing around like an idiot. Yet, some how, your teacher manages to tell you that you did, in fact, do better than last time but then also adds “what kinds of exercises are you doing at home?” Thanks, I get it, exercise or else I’m just wasting time and money. Do I get any pity points for telling you I tore my ACL in a freak skiing accident and now I’m extremely timid of doing ANYTHING that might hurt it again? No? Oh, ok. You’re sweet for being so subtle though.

And did you all know that there is also a lot of sweating and grunting involved in riding English saddle? Yeah, I didn’t think you knew because none of those fancy riding shows let on about hard it all is and that, under those black helmets and red hunting jackets, those riders are actually going to pass out from heat exhaustion and dehydration. Or, maybe it’s just me that’s doing all the sweating and grunting. It’s actually pretty embarrassing to grunt in front of a complete stranger. If you haven’t had that kind of opportunity for self-expression you should really try it sometime just for kicks.

Overall, I’m having my doubts about the English saddle riding style. I mean, I’m really not a red hunting jacket kind of a gal. I’m more of a boots and jeans and looks sexy in a cowboy hat kind of girl. Don’t get me wrong, English saddle is nothing if not elegant and stoic, but if you know me, you know I am neither elegant nor am I stoic. So in between work and dog training today I’m searching for a stable that focuses on Western saddle because Western Barbie and her horse Dallas were always among my favorites to play with. That is until I peeled off her famous winking blue eye-lid, then she just looked creepy.