You thought I was kidding about the dork-thing didn’t you?

I know. I’ve been meaning to drop in and tell you all about the awesomeness of my vacation and post several of the 265 pictures that I managed to take while gone AND tell you how I gained 5 pounds in 5 days. But I can’t. Why? Because I can’t stop thinking about how completely awesome things are going right now (probably because Sean hasn’t yet told me how poor we are from our vacation splurge yet). So what is going so right? Well, I mastered posting on the horse yesterday. Not only did I master it, but also I was told it was perfect (I think that was more of an exclamation rather than being used literally, but that’s OK I’ll take it). I also was able to get Bob the Horse under control this morning after he decided to try to give me fits for the 100th time instead of panicking and nervously begging for help. And the best part of all, who has a puppy who is ok with being crated overnight? Who? That’s right, Hooper is starting to get that being in the crate overnight is a piece of cake (Mmm… cake, cake would make today better actually).

So, that’s a pretty good day. But, for me-for whom dorkdom knows no bounds, it gets better. I found out that Martha Stewart is On-Demand (yes I am in my early 30s, shut up)! It thrills me to no end that I can now watch clip after clip of fussy arts and crafts projects that I myself will never do. You see, in my early 20s I was a big fan of Martha. Loved her. When. I. Was. 20. How cool am I? I think it had something to do with a lost childhood and growing up in a single-parent home. After the divorce, my mother no longer had the time to make me clothing or spell my name out in boxwood hedge maze for my birthday (though she always found the time to criticize that I liked to get my clothes from the GAP instead of Kmart). Deep down I knew Martha wouldn’t do that to me. She’d probably be upset that I’d buy clothes from GAP. (“No more clothes from GAP young lady! From now on you’ll get them from Stella McCartney!” “Noooo! She’s bringing back large-print florals! I won’t do it!”) I watched her show with fanatic devotion. I read her books. Subscribed to her uber-glossy magazine. Started ironing more. I hung out with Sean’s mom and aunts, soaking in all the praise from the family over cakes that took well over two hours to pipe icing on (I also developed a keen case of tendinitis in the process. I was dedicated! Look! Frosting injuries!)

Then her show went off the air (I can’t remember why, probably something to do with either jail or that there were just so many shows one can watch about tag sales). I was sad but not too sad, that Marc Marrone guy was creepy. Without her pretentious yammering I would have to come up with a new way to distract myself from writing all those looming term papers (turns out that was easier than I feared it to be). But once again, I lost the one person who would show me how to sanitize my cutting board. After emerging from her iron-barred cocoon (err, jail), she came out with MARTHA. I watched it once or twice and the expression on my face was usually twisted in horror. She wasn’t being pretentious and talking down to her guests (I do love her for her faults) she was trying to identify with them. Pretty unsuccessfully, if you ask me. She seemed weird and robotic, but in a different way than she used to be. For this, I blame her audience. Martha Stewart doesn’t do general public. She’s OCD; there’s no control over the masses, and the masses are eww-y (unless you have audience screening and therefore have the power to require everyone in your studio to wear khakis and can make sure they’re all hosed down with Lysol before they enter).

Martha Stewart On-Demand, for the first time in years, allows me to enjoy her without having to experience the pain of preemptive cheering. Live audiences irritate the hell out of me; especially live audiences filled with a demographic who would be more than happy to shoot up with heroin if they were told it would make them more like Martha (that’s not me, I have boundaries and they’re usually drawn at participating in studio audiences. My exception: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. That was pretty awesome.)

There is something very therapeutic about watching the slow, steady precision of this woman cutting a bat out black construction paper. Lord knows if I were doing that project, I’d stack 5 pieces of paper together as a shortcut and all my bats would look like the creatures on the Island of Dr. Moreau. And that would be fine if that’s what you were going for but I crave consistency, yet am cursed with impatience so I searched in vain to buy her creations (during this time she closed her on-line Martha Stewart store). Except, low and behold, she has a new line out at Macys! I went in there to check it out the day after vacation and nearly slipped into an OCD coma. She just launched the biggest product line in Macy’s history. There were so many things to take in it was a complete sensory overload. All the colors that go with my color scheme! All the matching! All the shiny things! All the silicone spatulas in colors I don’t yet own (I have a think for silicone spatulas…) Wee!

So there you have it. I haven’t been thinking of funny or witty or amusing posts because I’ve been gorging myself on Martha Stewart (and Halloween chocolate… I’m PMSing) and quickly getting the house all spooky for the trick-or-treaters. Those little kids had better hurry though, this chocolate isn’t going to last that much longer.