So you think you know it all, do ya?

 (As promised, I said I would follow through with my tag of writing a letter to myself at the age of 13 as dictated by Klinde) (Um, because I’m supposed to tag 5 more people, anyone who wants to be tagged can therefore be tagged… I’m looking at YOU Menchuvian Candidate, possibly even Cara…)

 Kid, I’ve gotta hand it to you, you’re one tough cookie. You’re gonna go through some crap times and I’m not talking about the normal “oh my god I got a bad home perm and now I look like a friggin poodle” bad times (although you’ve had them too). You’re young and hurt and you’re going to be spiteful, but you might want to take it just a little easy on your mom because she doesn’t exactly have it good either. At least you have your sister. Yes. I did just say that. She’s gonna help you through some of those bad times even though you don’t exactly deserve it.

You’re also smart and I don’t just mean you’re a smart-ass, although you are that too. Stop watching so much “Young Riders” and study a little harder. No, it’s really not going to affect the outcome of your future, but it’ll make your intellectual arguments a little more substantiated. Now go look up what substantiated means. Just do it.

Yes, the 200-year-old farmhouse you live in is haunted. Stop hiding under the covers. Nothing happens to you.

That thing you’re gonna let your boyfriend do when you’re 16? *Ahem* Yeah, you might want to put the kibosh on that because it’s going to make for some extremely awkward conversation between you, your sister, your mother, and the doctor. Thank GOD mom and dad are divorced because I don’t even want to think of what would have happened if Dad found out. Count your blessings on that one.

Speaking of dad, he goes through a weird religious phase that involves shouting about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ a lot. Just humor him. Go to his weird church and enjoy the time you have with him and just filter out the Jesus-y stuff. Oh, those weird Christian comic books that he makes you read? SAVE THEM. Don’t burn them. Why? No, they won’t be worth money. Yes, I know they’re creepy but you have no idea how disturbingly funny you’ll think this is when you’re 30.

Your high school friends suck. Then again, you were kind of a brat with them too. Admittedly, they had no idea of what was going on with you at home but even if they did, I’m not sure they would cut you any slack. Why? Because they suck, damnit, don’t you listen? You might want to start to, um, diversify your friend-portfolio. Yes, I know it’s a small school but you’re a funny kid, just brush your teeth a little more often and I’m sure you can pull out a couple of better friends somewhere.

Hey! Guess what? You finally get to Disney World. It will be disappointing for a couple of reasons. #1. You have fair skin; don’t forget your sunblock on the beach. Why? You’re going to get sun-poisoning, genius. 2. See the above paragraph about your crap friends. 3. It’s Disney. That should say it all, but soon after graduation, you’ll realize how horrible Disney is. Yeah, they produce some cute movies, but people who are part of the Disney cult? Yeah, just as weird as your dad’s religious cult. Keep an eye out.

The teenage years are the worst of it. College will be better, though it’ll come with a new set of craptacular challenges, but it’s a hell of a lot better than what you just went through. Once you get your first real job at 19, so many things open up to you and life will get better exponentially.

That guy Sean you have a crush on? You end up marrying him so relax a little bit, ok? He’ll give you tic-tacs as a Christmas present one year, (see paragraph on brushing your teeth more) you’ll want to kill him but because he does it in a funny way and he’s real cute, you’ll let him get away with it and brush your teeth more often.

You’ll learn this really cool trick in your 20s. It’s called repressing your memories. Use it wisely. Leave things alone like Christmas memories, oh wait, yeah, you can repress that one… mmm… maybe that one too. All the other good things just leave alone. They’re pretty awesome. Of course, this little trick comes with a price. Actively choosing to forget how miserable you are when you go home will cause you to go back, and you’ll be sucker punched a few more times. Lucky for you, you have Sean and he’ll remind you of what to do in these situations.

Oh, stretch your legs out a little more often. Soccer’s gonna eat you up and spit you out. I could use a little more time with 100% healthy knees.

I guess the point of this is to tell you that life is gonna be great. Screw all those people who say that high school is the best time of your life that just means they didn’t rebound from their mistakes and they hate their current life as an adult. Being an adult is pretty awesome. You get to do just about anything you feel like. Oh! You travel! And you visit Europe! Twice! And you learn how to ski, sort of. Remember the knee comment in the paragraph above? Yeah, that’ll help. Oh, Jersey’s gonna break you of your NY slang and “pop” is gonna be “soda” just deal with it. It’ll stay “soda” from then on, too. Sorry, I know that one seems odd, but you won’t think anything of it in a few years.

I should wrap this up, kid. I’d tell you more about the good stuff but I don’t want to ruin the surprise, besides, I’ve gotta get back to work (look at your future self being responsible and all). Hang tight, you’re gonna be just fine. Remember what I said about your knees and brushing your teeth, very important stuff there.